What if we let others walk with us, even if from a distance? What if we let our complexity shine out, rather than close off and cage us? What if we stood in our reality, and let it be?
I think that’s what she would have done.
So what if I said: my mother, the human who shaped and grew me, died two and a half months ago and this is what was in me in the before, during, and after?
Sometimes it feels overwhelming. Sometimes you can’t get the memory of that boy out of your head, his small body, which in mind is not so young, limp and alone in that dark room. Sometimes you cry for the wonderful giggling and sweet little girls who you laughed with as you realize how much theirContinueContinue reading “a heavy heart desperate to return”
compassion, huruma n. – sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it It is not that I must sustain my compassion. It is that my compassion sustains me. I often give myself mantras during different periods of my life when I need something particular to give me strength, give me guidance,ContinueContinue reading “sustaining compassion”
June 2021 amendment: these were my true feelings at the time that I wrote this. I have since reflected, learned, and held myself to account for what I didn’t know then, and what I chose not to know then. You can read that truth here. Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I’m leavingContinueContinue reading “dear moses, you may not know it, but”
June 2021 amendment: these were my true feelings at the time that I wrote this. I have since reflected, learned, and held myself to account for what I didn’t know then, and what I chose not to know then. You can read that truth here. Moses. The reason I looked up ‘kwashiorkor prognosis’ on GoogleContinueContinue reading “moses”
I sat with two Americans who are working for the Umoja Project and living in the village for some weeks this summer and reflected on life and living in Kenya, future goals, and current struggles. One said she’s always had a passion for living and working abroad, but then she goes somewhere, like being inContinueContinue reading “inadequacy”
I’ve been considering prayer. In the past week, I walked kilometer after kilometer over red dirt roads, muddy footpaths, rocky hills, grassy plains, splashing puddles, cracked earth, and over the thresholds of the homes of fifteen of the orphans and vulnerable children, specifically those living in child-headed households, that the Umoja Project supports. And asContinueContinue reading “translating care”
I’ve been thinking about fear. I’ve felt fear in my life. I’ve felt true, full-bodied fear. The day of September 11th, as a confused 8-year-old questioning if Indianapolis was going to be attacked next. Sliding on icy roads with children in my car. The first time I went to visit a child in the ICUContinueContinue reading “fear”
Two days ago, I celebrated my twenty-first birthday. As I am known to do, I took the opportunity to reflect on life and self and soul and where I’ve been and where I’m going. Over this glorious birthday weekend at Bass Lake, one of my favorite places in the world, I slowly wrote twenty oneContinueContinue reading “twenty-one”
It’s been one month and twenty-five days since I left Senegal. It’s been one month and eleven days since I returned to the United States. It’s been two weeks and two days since I’ve been back at Kalamazoo. I have felt amid a whirlwind of transitions. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad, mostly exciting, all challenging inContinueContinue reading “lists”
A week and some odd minutes ago, I was landing at Indianapolis International Airport, walking through the same entrance terminal to terminal B that I walked through 6 months previously, that time ‘departures’ this time ‘arrivals’. Since then I have filled my days with pots and pots of coffee, chunky sweaters and wool socks, naturallyContinueContinue reading “inconclusive”
Sometimes I have low moments. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I get so far into my headspace I can’t figure out how to get back to here. Sometimes I get so anxious trying to figure life out that I become paralyzed from living it. Sometimes I look at the calendar and see the many datesContinueContinue reading “a day to be lived”
I’ve been busy. Busy with early morning trips to the market where the women know me only as Daba Sarr and I speak only Wolof, busy with walks through now-familiar streets to run errands or pick up something sweet to eat, busy making plans with sisters and meeting up ‘at that one corner where weContinueContinue reading “a compilation”
We sat in the closed room, each in our own space that at times coincided with the space of others, and we cried and we laughed and we took deep breaths. We sat on the rock, bracing ourselves individually and as one clump as the waves crashed down upon us, and we cried and weContinueContinue reading “we cried and we laughed and we took deep breaths”
I have always been a sentimental person. I have always been someone who attaches great meaning and emotion to the things around me. I have always been the person who hid my favorite pair of childhood shorts from my parents because they wanted to give them Goodwill and I wanted to put them in aContinueContinue reading “les gris-gris”
These are a few random reflections and thoughts that I have scribbled down at various times through my first few days in Sénégal. They are not especially profound or telling, but at the end of these first days I have been so [happily] exhausted that it all comes out in lists: – In the pastContinueContinue reading “list-form thoughts of senegal”
written August 14, 2013 On such an anniversary as this. Three years ago today I boarded the plane taking me to Kenya and to the discovery of myself. On this anniversary, I am thankful. Thankful for the immense honor and gift it was to live alongside, to learn alongside, my Kenyan family at such aContinueContinue reading “on such an anniversary as this, 2013”
callie daniels-howell 