dear moses, you may not know it, but

June 2021 amendment: these were my true feelings at the time that I wrote this. I have since reflected, learned, and held myself to account for what I didn’t know then, and what I chose not to know then. You can read that truth here.

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Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I’m leaving you soon.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I love you so dearly.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but it brings tears to my eyes when I think of walking out of your life in two days.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but there was a moment when I seriously considered adopting you until I was helped to see the difficult reality that my young motherhood isn’t what is best for you.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but you are the reason I’ve been at the hospital each of the last 19 days.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but not being able to say to you, “we’ll see each other tomorrow,” on Sunday afternoon may break my heart.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but you have brought me more joy in the smallest of moments than I thought possible.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but your trust in me has given me new trust in myself.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but part of me hates myself for being another person in your life to let you down.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but you have taught me so much of patience, of giving one’s self, of showing up, of love, of compassion, of happiness.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but it rips holes into my soul to think of what suffering has been inflicted on your young, little self and what pain might still exist for you in the future of this broken system.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I have never felt such pride as I have in watching you come back to life and seeing your awesome intelligence blossom.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but your wellbeing is bound up in mine, little child.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I will remember your shy and sincere smile for all of my days.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I will carry you with me always.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I’m leaving you soon.

Dear Moses, you may not know it, but I love you so dearly.